I hope you aren’t disappointed, but just in case it feels like a bait-and-switch, I promise to include some exciting gallbladder-related info at the end.
Recently, my Darling Husband aka Prince Charming Pants aka PCP informed me that I needed to “start pulling my weight around here.” It seems raising children (including homeschooling), managing a household and working part-time were not enough. He subscribes to the Bonbon Theory of Homemaking, and has determined that it’s high time he had a go at lolling on the couch. I’m sure he’s right. I’ve been told it’s comfortable. Lord knows I never get a chance to sit on it.
As I said, I work part-time, but that won’t come close to covering our food budget, never mind other minor expenses like health insurance. My attempt to earn some income by publishing light, humorous stories has made as much noise as a firecracker going off in deep space. So I set out to find who would hire someone who’s been out of the workforce for some time (the office-type workforce at any rate).
The results were not encouraging. Not only did I not qualify for exciting careers in fields like latent fingerprinting, I couldn’t even score a job as a lowly office assistant.
My liberal arts degree was barely worth anything when I received it along with a limp handshake twenty years ago. Today potential employers would get a hearty laugh (if they were even able to decipher the calligraphy).
I am so far behind technologically, I don’t even have a smartphone. Forget technopeasant, such ignorance makes me the equivalent of a blobfish, and about as cute. (Does anyone else share the opinion that Mother Nature is a vindictive bitch who hates middle-aged women?)
After being informed that I did not qualify for the position of Custodian Two (really), I began to search online. I figured that was a smarter route anyway, what with my other jobs as chief cook, bottle-washer and full-time chauffeur cutting into my potential working hours.
Online work had many advantages over an office job, such as being able to disguise some of my blobfishiness. How naive I was. I got turned down for an entry level position to secret-shop a telemarketer. You know, you get paid like 5 bucks to call up and make sure the person is friendly and knowledgeable, but it takes like 2 hours to fill out the form. When you’re getting blown off for below-minimum-wage jobs, you know you’re in trouble.
Desperate, I went to the library and checked out a pile of books about making moolah on the Wild and Wonderful World Wide Web. This one guru, who shall remain nameless, (not because I don’t want to promote his book. He’s already rich and it doesn’t matter if you buy his book or not. I’m not saying his name so that he doesn’t have me hunted down and killed.) endorses the idea of exploiting anyone and everyone you cross paths with. Not my idea of a sustainable earning strategy, but one thing he said stuck with me:
‘Money is nothing more than added value. What value do you add?’
How those words haunted me. I’m at the stage of life where you spend a fair amount of time thinking about who will attend your funeral. I’m pretty sure no one’s going to say, ‘Thanks for all those clean socks!’
So here I am, determined to add value. Not using Mr. Sleazy’s definition as a way to squeeze cash out of friends and acquaintances, but to give back, pay forward, whatever it takes so someone’ll come to my funeral and say something nice. (Added incentive: I’m setting it up now to do a free sock giveaway for every friendly eulogy.)
If you have any work-related stories you’d like to share, or if you agree with me about Mama N, please feel free to comment. Thanks for reading and I hope I can add some value to your day, if only in the form of a smile.
Exciting but little-known facts about gallbladders: Are you kidding? There are none. They’re not even considered to be a vital organ. But if you do have one, be nice to it. They’re like a lazy personal assistant: yes, they always screw up your coffee order, but at least they haven’t dosed it with rat poison.
Sue Seabury 
Ha ha Sue, That’s funny, but I feel for you. I think you will find something that pays, but I bet it will kind of come as a surprise. It will be sort of off-the-wall, probably. One big thing to put on your resume is your work ethic. The current generation seems to be unfamiliar with the concept, but every employer is looking for it and placing it quite high indeed on their list of desired qualifications. I will be happy to provide you with a reference if you need it!
Hugs and good luck!
Judy
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One of my many temp jobs was as a receptionist at a temp agency. Unfortunately, part of scoring a lowly office assistant job is just lucky timing and rapport with the agency employees. We often ignored the people who came into the office and dropped off their resume, in favor of coldcalling people on Monster.com whose resumes matched our particular job needs. So put “Microsoft Word and Microsoft Excel” in your resume and brush up on your schmoozing, and maybe you’ll hit the underpaid cubicle monkey jackpot!
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